cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Twitter remains undefeated
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do