Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you