Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.