I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
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6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
True?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes