Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
same vibe as tangled headphones
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
get you a girl who
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?