If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet