Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I wish I could veto my bills.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.