Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Lmao 🤣
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
real
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.