Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My flabber has been gasted.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.