Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.