The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏