[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.