At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.