Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
bro what is going on at twitter
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈