I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?