Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
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Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Unexpected Judgment
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.