Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once