Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.