Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If you love someone, let them tweet.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down