Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Pot warmers of the day.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now