I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*