There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.