My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
*launders Kohls cash*
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
happy valentine’s day to me
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.