Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.