I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave