I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
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*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.