If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Hamburger Hinderer.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”