In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Terribly Tuesday.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I just ran a .003048K
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.