Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I saw nothing
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.