So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
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Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Twitter remains undefeated
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.