McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky