1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.