Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Just had my nails done!
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Chicken bread
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.