Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*