Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
selena gomez
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*