“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.