No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.