It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
bears
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit