Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”