me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.