Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
this is the best day of my life
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies