I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.