A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp