[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
True
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.