Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.