huge valentines day plans this year!!
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
life finds a way
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
RT if you could go either way.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay