[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
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Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.