Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Meow?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.