Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
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[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Otters see a butterfly.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer