Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal